Living life in the carpool lane..

Posts Tagged ‘working mom

On Monday, I started a new job…

It’s a job that I’ve wanted for almost all my life.  It’s a job that I have been begging for since M was born.  It’s a job that will be the hardest job I’ve ever had, but it’s the only job I’ve ever wanted.

Stay At Home Mom

Yup.  It’s official.

I put in my resignation last week and started this new job on Monday, officially.

I’d been home since July since there were complications with my pregnancy with K.  It seemed like the most logical choice to stay home.  I had been home for almost a year already, 10 months to be exact.  M was just so used to having me here.  I’d ask her if she wanted me to go back to work and she’d tell me, “No, just stay here with me.”  How could I leave her knowing she wanted me around?

Now I won’t have to feel the anxiety of knowing that I’ll have to leave these girls behind to spend most of the day somewhere else.  Now I won’t have to worry about how much time off I have left every time one of them would get sick.  Now I won’t have to worry about how they are doing, what the are eating, how they are feeling while I’m away.  Now I won’t have to leave the comfort of a nice warm cuddle when the alarm goes off in the morning.  I can stay up late with any of the kids and not have to worry about how many hours of sleep I will get because I’ll have work the next day.

I can spend a sleepless night with one of the girls and not have to worry about how much coffee I have to drink to function the next day.. wait, no… this will still happen.. It just won’t have to happen at work…

I’m not going to miss a single smile, coo, movement, cry, laugh, or anything in between.  I’m going to watch K grow up the way I wished I got to see M grow up.

I’m very excited for this new chapter of my life and what direction my blog will take because of this change.

Read about my ABC blog series here.

Look back – A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L , M, N, O, P, Q, R

I’ve been home since July of last year when I was suddenly put on bedrest due to my subchrionic hemmorhage early in my pregnancy.

Now that I have the baby, the big question is whether or not I’m going to go back to work.

It’s been a subject that we have been discussing for awhile.

I’ve been away from work for about 8 months now.  It seems almost normal being a “stay at home mom.”

M has thrived so much since I started staying home.  Even if I was under limited capacity, M seemed to just love that I am around 24/7.

I can’t imagine going back anymore.  It just seems…. mean.

I hated being a working mom… I felt like I was just a part-time mom.  I missed out on a lot of the daytime with her, only seeing in the late afternoon and evening for dinner and bedtime.. It didn’t seem fair to her.  It didn’t seem fair to me.  I wanted to parent her, not anyone else.

I also couldn’t balance life.  Cooking, cleaning, laundry, parenting.. I couldn’t find the right balance.  Everything was a mess because all I wanted to do was be with M.

(Ok.. so things are STILL a mess around here.. but that’s because I have a newborn and I’m still figuring things out… the excuses just never end, do they?)

Millions of mothers CAN do the working mom thing and do it successfully.  I just felt like I couldn’t.  I felt chaotic.  I felt like I had no control.

Once I stayed home, it’s like my world suddenly made sense.  Ok, so I was on bedrest.  Ok, so I was very limited with what I could and could do.  Ok, so staying at home during my pregnancy seemed… easy.

Now, I’m staying at home with two kids.  It’s hectic.  It’s chaotic.  Sometimes I don’t shower.  Sometimes I forget to brush my teeth.  My hair is constantly a mess.  I wear the same clothes for several days until they smell so much like baby spit-up that I HAVE to change.  I have NO time to myself.  The only adults I talk to are Hubby and my parents.

Staying home seems so much harder than working…

But I want to stay… I want to stay home.

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Today, I’m going to rant.  I don’t usually do this, but it’s been bubbling inside of me, and I need to get it out.

Yes, I’m very thankful I have a job.  Yes, these are mostly first-world problems.  I’m fully aware that my problems are miniscule compared to the what other people have to go through. 

Just let me have my rant.

If work wasn’t in the way, I could…

… stay home and take care of my child.
… go to all those mommy group meetups.
… concentrate on my cardmaking and scrapbooking more.
… get more errands done during the day instead of during the evenings or weekends.
… cook more.
… experiment in the kitchen more.
… not worry about having enough timeoff and vacation time at work when I need to take care of a sick child.
… figure what what I really want to do to make money.

What could you do if work wasn’t in the way??

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I’ve been mopey lately.  I’m not sure why..

Maybe it’s the failed pregnancy attempts (2, so far, but still makes me sad)…

Maybe it’s the lack of caffiene in my system (quit drinking regularly since January)…

If you’ve been a regular reader of my blog, you know I get this way sometimes.  Who doesn’t, right?

The best way I’ve found to deal with it is to always acknowlege it.  I never try to just ignore it.  It’s actually pretty hard to ignore. 

I have to face the fact that I’m feeling down. 

Then, once I’ve acknowleged it, I figure out why and how I can overcome it.

Right now, I feel stagnant.  I feel unproductive at work.  I feel like I could be doing much better things with my time.  I could be with M.  I could be mothering her instead of sitting in a cubicle all day. 

I want to find different ways to make money.  I want to be a work-from-home mom.  I want to be able to spend time with my daughter.

I’m struggling with the balance of home and work.  I feel like I don’t have the time to dedicate to my home life because work life takes over.

I wish I was better at meal planning and grocery shopping, but I feel like work gets in the way.

I admire the working moms that seem to have it all together.  They can come home from a full days work, prepare a great meal, get the home ready, and then be a mom.. I feel like I’ve struggled with this since I came back to work back in 2012.. I still can’t balance it all.  It makes me sad and frustrated.

I feel like I could be a better person if I could concentrate on just one thing.

Being a wife/mom without the work. 

Some days are better than others.  Somedays I feel like superwoman and I can tackle it all.  Other days, like these, I feel overwhelmed and mopey.

So now that I know why I feel this way, how do I fix it?

I’ve been working on finding ways to make money from the home.  That’s my crafting and cardmaking, but I’m also thinking of other avenues..  I’ve been figuring out ways to expand this blog.  Maybe more product reviews, getting more exposure, writing better entries. 

I know I’m not the only mother that deals with this.. and I know this feeling isn’t going to last forever. 

I just need to find my “pick-me-up.”

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I had an extended weekend this past weekend. 

Friday and Monday off.

Toddler with a cold turned into toddler with an asthma attack turned into “mommy to the rescue!”

Being home was a nice break from work.  I got to sleep in a little later than I usually do.  That’s probably the only perk.  Being home finds me just as busy as when I’m at work.  No, I take that back.  I’m so much MORE busy than when I am at work.

At work, I can sit in my cubicle for the whole 8 hours.  I concentrate on my job, just the tasks that I have on hand.  That’s all.  During lunchtime, I heat up my food and eat uninterupted.  At the end of the day, I go home and forget all about it.

At home, there’s toddler chasing, toddler wrangling, toddler entertaining, toddler feeding, toddler cleaning, toddler bathroom duties, toddler napping, toddler meltdowns… all day.  At home, there are many tasks all at once.  There’s no escape.  It’s all day, everday.

I love it all.

I love being at home.  I love spending time with M no matter how busy and how tiring it is.  Getting a random hug, or a smile, or a kiss.  The smile she had on her face when she would wake up to see me was just completely priceless.  I’m hoping that these days will happen more often. 

That’s living the dream!

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For the first part of February, I will be counting down my 14 loves  until I get to February 14th.  This is a great way to get back to blogging daily again, and a way to make Valentine’s Day worth it this year!

I love my cubicle.

I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve been working in a lab for about 10 years, and that’s counting college.  I have outgrown the novelty of being all “science-y” and being a “lab geek.”  In the beginning of this year, I was asked to be part of a project at my work to help contribute towards a major change in the computer systems that we use.  Because of this, I was placed in a cubicle and I spend all day in different meetings and on my computer.  I do no lab work at all, and that’s totally refreshing.  I’m sure the novelty of being a cubicle will wear off too, but for now, I actually don’t mind being at work.

Not gonna lie, I’m kinda starting to feel a little burned out.

Work has been super crazy busy, then I come home, and it’s second shift.. the mommy shift.

Work has been pretty much non-stop for 8 eight hours.  It’s not a completely bad thing.  Being really busy DOES make the time go so much faster and before I know it, it’s time to go home.

But then I feel like I get no rest.

I get home before M and Hubby do, usually that time is spent preparing dinner, or working on some craft projects.

My favorite times after work are when I can work on a craft project.  The hustle and bustle of my day job actually helps my creativity flow and I’ve been able to crank out a few good cards and scrapbook layouts.

Other times, it’s straight to the kitchen to start dinner.  Then, in the middle of cooking, M and Hubby usually get home and then it’s non-stop with the toddler until bedtime.

More often than not, these days, I’ve been falling asleep before she does.

I wish I could just concentrate on one thing.  Being a mom.

Ok.. two things.  Being a crafter.  Being a mom.

Ok.. three things.  Being a wife.  Being a crafter.  Being a mom.

Ok.. four things.  Keeping the apartment clean.  Being a wife  Being a crafter. Being a mom.

Well.. I guess it isn’t as simple as I thought.

I just want more hours in the day, but doesn’t everyone?

I’m exhausted.  I need a break.  I nice good loooooooong sleep.

Thank God it’s Friday.

 

Yesterday’s blog post was a little rough.

I admit, there’s a tad bit of “blog diarrhea” mixed into it, but I swear I gave it a few days of thought before jumping right into it.

I’d actually been thinking about a post like that all of last weekend, and Monday was just the final straw that really pushed me to write it.

The frustration of it all is out of my system now, but the guilt still stays.  It’s that guilt that tends to just eat me up from the inside.  I wish there was something I could do to relieve it. 

All I can do is use my word for the year.. CHARGE.

Take CHARGE.  Just take one day at a time. 

Being a working mother isn’t easy.  There are good days, there are bad days.  Monday was just a bad day.  The other mornings have been good so far.  She’s stayed asleep as I got ready, no crying for me.  She comes home from her grandparents house fine.

I’m taking CHARGE of these feelings, knowing that working is what I have to do. 

Tomorrow is a new day, a new blessing, a new start. 

 

Monday was a rough morning for me, “working mom” me.

It was bad.  Bad, like, “crying in the car on the way to work” bad.

I guess it started last week.  The past few mornings have been absolutely freezing.  It started off feeling terrible because I had to make Little M go through those freezing cold mornings to go to Grandma & Grandpas house to be watched while Hubby and I go to work.

She doesn’t need to go through that.  She needs to be in her nice warm bed, snuggling up next to her mommy.. me.

THEN, she spent the entire weekend at my hip.  Literally.  I couldn’t even leave her sight.  I’d go to the restroom, two seconds after I disappear, I hear “Mimi! Mimi!” and the pitter-patter of her little feet running towards whatever room she thinks I’m in. 

So, Monday morning, I’m getting ready to go to work and she wakes up crying for me.  I carry her, comfort her, put her back to sleep.  I try to lay her back on the bed and she holds me tighter and starts to cry. 

“Mimi!  Go milk!”

She wanted milk, so Hubby gave her some and I thought all was good.

I walk by her again and she sees me.  The waterworks start up again and she’s in my arms again.

I hold her so close and she finally calms down. 

I tell her I had to go and that she had to go to Daddy.  She holds me tighter again and starts to cry.

Sigh.. that’s when I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I start to cry!

It really isn’t fair that she has to go through this and I feel absolutely terrible and so so so so so guilty.

You can tell me that so many mothers go through this everyday, but right now, it just doesn’t help. 

I would LOVE to be a stay at home mother.  That’s the dream.

You can’t tell me that I’d be bored at home.  You can’t tell me that being at home would drive me nuts.  I don’t think I’d get bored.  I don’t think I would be drive nuts.  I think I would absolutely enjoy it.  I’d rather have the stresses of what to cook for dinner, or how many loads of laundry I have to do, or making sure M stays out of trouble.. I’d rather have all that than having to have her go out in the cold of an early morning, or having her cry for me when she wakes up and I’m not there..

It’s just so sad. 

I hope she understands all that I do for her when she gets older.. I just wish it didn’t make me feel so guilty..

Today marks the second full week of work of the new year.  It’s the second full week of work after we had two weeks of four day weekends.

Man, I’m ready for the next holiday weekend.

I’m burnt out.  I know I’ve said this before, but I feel that there really is more to life than this.

Work, home, work, home, CRAFT, home, work, home…

When’s the next three-day weekend?  I’m sooo ready for it!


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