Living life in the carpool lane..

Posts Tagged ‘ultreya

The following was the written version of my Witness Talk done at the Cursillo Ultreya a few months ago.. because this was the written version, it may not be as cohesive or well-versed as the oral version I had actually done.  The basic gist of the talk is there.. and I will look through it before posting for any grammatical error.. but.. here it is..

I hope you enjoy…

Please leave any comments you have on the actual “Living life in the carpool lane..” blog page by clicking here..

A little warning.. it’s LONG..

When I was first asked to do the Witness Talk, my mind drew a blank.  I didn’t feel like I had enough experience to truly give a good witnessing.  I felt that nothing I would say would bear any significance.

But I also believed that God would provide.. Something will come up and it would flow out of me like water..

So.. I opened myself up to the Lord.. and I waited..

And waited.. and waited..

My mom would ask me if I had anything ready and I would say, “Nope.. I’m waiting..”

At the last Team Formation, Sister Ana asked me if I was ready and I said, “Nope.. still waiting..”

Suddenly, it was the week of the Ultreya and I still had nothing.

I panicked and went to the one place I turn to for comfort and advce.  I went on Facebook.  I went on Facebook and changed my status update to a plea to all Cursillistas for help.  My mom and Sister Cathy both responded by saying to think of my life before and after the Cursillo weekend.

Before.. and after..

Suddenly I realized I had something.  I had a song.   “Lay It Down,” sung by Jaci Velasquez.  It was a song, that after my Cursillo weekend, I fully embraced as MY song.  It was MY story.  I felt that she was singing that song for me.  That song was my “before and after..”

Before, my life consisted of prayer, planning, and wanting to control my life.  God had a part in my life.  His part was to give me what I wanted according to MY plan.  I’d find myself angry because I was doing everything I thought a “good Catholic” was supposed to do, yet everyone else was getting what they wanted, while everything I would plan constantly fell apart right in front of me.

I was in a relationship with a non-Catholic and we had marriage plans.. I remember praying so hard that God give us what we wanted.  I prayed, or more like begged, God to make things work out.  However, every time my fiancé and I came close to fulfilling those plans, God made things unravel.  It would make me angry, hopeless and doubtful of God’s actual presence in my life.

I’ve been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking
Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I’m running out of tears and my will is breaking

I don’t think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands

My mom let me read the book “Let Go & Let God.”  It said very poignant things, yet I don’t think I fully understand the concept.  I don’t think allowed myself to.  I was so engrossed in trying to make things work out in that relationship that I didn’t want to let myself understand it.  I didn’t want to know the outcome of letting go of the control of my life.  So I worked so hard to work things out in my relationship that I was even trying to find compromises to satisfy both religions.

Though willing to compromise, it left me uneasy.  I started studying, listening and reading about anything and everything I could that was Catholic.  But I again, I begged God to help me find “loopholes” in the religion to allow what my fiancé and I wanted to do, and again, I felt that God has let me down.

Along came my weekend.. that’s when I finally learned how to “lay it down..”  Just lke the song..

So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now

What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You

And if the sun won’t come back upI know
Your love will be enough
I
’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down

After the Cursillo, I knew my place, I knew what I wanted and what God wanted of me, no compromises.  I had to do what I had to do.  I had to let it be, let it go, and lay it down.

Accepting no compromises, my relationship ended.  I found myself lost because I suddenly found myself without a plan.  I had nothing to fight for.  I was following God’s plans, and I didn’t know what that actually meant.

I went through the motions of my day to day life, trusting God would provide but doubting he even acknowledged me.  Perhaps, I thought, he forgot about me.

Slowly and surely I found myself in certain situations and I realized God was at work.  The pieces were coming together and I had direction… God’s direction.  I still had ups and downs, but I wasn’t angry.  There were still times that things didn’t go my way, but I wasn’t bitter.  I knew I was being taken care of, and it made my life so much more bearable.

I’ve been walking through this world like I’m barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I’ve been digging
But You’re pulling me out and I’m finally breathing
In the open air

This room may be dark but I’m finally seeing
There’s a new ray of hope and now I’m believing
That the past is past and the future’s beginning to look brighter now
‘Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

The transition isn’t easy.  I’ve planned all my life and suddenly my life is not my own.  There are days that are harder than others.  Ther are days when I compare where my life is versus others and it makes me feel bad.

It’s times like those when I think of my song, and how much farther I feel my life’s journey has taken me knowing God has been there guiding me.  That’s when I take a deep breath in, and thank Him for all the blessings.

And I was right, if I truly waited for the right moment, the Lord will provide and these words would flow like water.. thanks be to God.

So there it is..

This is probably all new news to a lot of you.. but this is me.. and this is my life..

The Lord hasn’t given me anything I can’t handle.. and I believe that He never will.. He knows how strong a person I really am.. even if I don’t know it myself..

Remember.. to please refer all comments to the actual blog page by clicking here..

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This wordpress dashboard is quite nifty.. It shows me what people have been searching and how they came to find my little piece of the Internet here on Living life in the carpool lane..

For all you lovely readers out there.. and I do get a few.. maybe one or two a day.. thanks for stopping by.. and I hope you’re enjoying what you read..

Anyway.. I noticed that there was a search for “ultreya witness talk..”

And I know that I have promised to post mine up and I have been a total flake and haven’t yet..

I promise soon.. maybe someone should remind me.. leave me a comment.. and I’ll post it..

Honestly, I don’t know why I haven’t posted it yet.. it’s on a Word document in my personal laptop.. all I got to do is “copy and paste” it onto here.. read it over.. edit it a little.. and POOF..

I’ve been lazy, I guess..

I could have posted it today.. but silly me forgot my personal laptop at home.. so I’m without that file while I’m here at work..

People have said that it was a good talk.. maybe it’s because they found out something about me that they didn’t know previously.. those that have known me for the past three-five years would know what it was about.. but those that have just met me.. or have just re-acquainted themselves with me.. will find this is something new..

Overall.. the talk was about my journey of knowing how to “let go.. and let God.”  It was my journey about learning to pray.. learning to trust.. and learning to love the life I have.. because no matter what obstacles had come my way.. my life was a gift from God.. how could I hate something so beautiful as LIFE…

The talk wasn’t over-dramatic.. putting my life in perspective of others.. it’s been fairly easy.. but we all have our personal struggles and our personal crosses.. and the talk was about mine.. how I got through it.. and how the Cursillo helped me gain that strength..

Now a favor to my lovely and loyal readers that are waiting for this talk to blossom on the pages of my humble blog.. if I don’t post the talk by the end of the month.. please give me a lovely comment reminding me to do so..

Any other comments are welcome.. any questions.. suggestions.. compliments.. and complaints.. I’d love to hear from anyone and everyone..

Just make sure you go to https://artsyprincess.wordpress.com to leave them.. thanks!

Every 4th Thursday of the month, the Cursillo group holds monthly Ultreyas.  We meet and there are usually people that give Witness Talks about how their Faith has affected their lives and how the Cursillo movement has also helped during your Faith Journey..

Well.. this month.. I’m the lucky candidate that gets to give the talk..

I am terrified of public speaking..

Everyone thinks it should be easy.. I sing.. I dance.. on rare occasion I try to act..

I’m a theater person.. I’m a performer.. so how would that make me terrified of speaking in public..

Well.. because PERFORMING.. is way different than SPEAKING..

When performing.. you don’t necessarily have to concentrate on the audience.. the house is dark.. you can’t even see them!  When performing.. you’re like.. in another zone.. sometimes your another character.. sometimes you’re so into a song that you’re singing that you lose track of what’s really going on..

When speaking.. there’s this uncomfortable vulnerability that I still haven’t gotten used to.  It’s literally just me.. in front of people.. staring back at me.. listening to me speak.  It’s intimidating.. I am the most vulnerable when up in front of people.. just me.. not as a character.. not hiding behind a song.. just.. me.

I’m still going to talk.. and I’m going to try my best..

God gives me the strength.. and with that.. I can do anything..

I just hope I don’t stutter!


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