Living life in the carpool lane..

Posts Tagged ‘breastfeeding

I was going through my personal Instagram feed and in an instant, K was a newborn again…

She was so tiny. 

I started thinking about life with a newborn. I thought about the sleepless nights, the endless feelings, teeny tiny babies…

I realized I never took a photo of me nursing. 

We all know that I nursed both my girls, but for only 2-3 months… It was such a short span of their lives, but it was important to me. 

How could I have not taken a photo?!

Not to post on my social media, but for my own memories…

The images are in my mind… How I cradled them in my arms, how they would hold on to me while they latched, how we would look into each other’s eyes, those moments when they would fall asleep…

Will I eventually forget them? 

Will the images fade like the memories of what nursing felt like?

I remember the feeling of frustration of their learning to latch. I remember the discomfort of a bad latch. I remember the sore boobs. I remember the feeling of relief when they filled their little tummies up with my milk. I remember the feeling of their little sucking motions…

But those memories of those feelings are fading… 

I still want to remember. 

I wish I took a picture….


Earlier this month, I went on a play date. It was great. My girls had little ones their age to play and mingle with. 

While I was sitting around with the other mommies with babies, it came to feeding time. 

Mommies left and right of me starting busting out the boobies. 

A little piece of me felt a little jealousy towards the breastfeeding moms. 

I wish I could just bust out the boob. I wouldn’t have to carry around an extra bag with bottles, liners, water and formula. 

Oh the convenience!!

It made me wish my body cooperated better. I did what I could, for both my girls, to try to produce more. My breasts just didn’t cooperate. I guess it happens to some women, me included. 

When picturing motherhood, I always thought I’d be breastfeeding for at least 6months to a year. All my cousins were great producers of milk. I thought I would be too. 

My daughters thrived on formula. K is growing leaps and bounds on formula. I have no complaints. 

Seeing others so easily breastfeed does spark a bit of disappointment in myself and a little jealousy. 

But, I know I’m doing the best for my children.  And I’m definitely not the only mother that has gone through this and has had these same feelings. 

Read about my ABC blog series here.

Look back – A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L ,M

When I was compiling my list of topics that corresponded to the letters of the alphabet, I picked nursing for N because I was going to write about my love/hate relationship with it.  I love nursing K, but I hated the way my breasts always felt so sore and heavy.

But now, as I type up this blog entry, it’s about how my nursing days are most likely numbered…

This was the similar scenario I dealt with when I had M.

Because K came early, 36 weeks, my milk didn’t come in fast enough and her preemie status meant that they were watching her initial weight loss like a hawk.  K was also developing jaundice and they wanted her milk intake to be enough for her to pee and poop enough to get rid of the jaundice fast.  Because of all these factors, I had to supplement my breast milk with formula.

All went well, her jaundice passed, and she eventually started relying solely on my milk for her nourishment.

When she turned a month old, I noticed that she would take both breasts and still seem unsatisfied.  I started supplementing again with an ounce or two and she would feel so much better.  I also noticed that my breasts wouldn’t “fill up” as quickly, no matter how much I pumped in between or how much I let her nurse.  I know the doctors and nurses would tell me that pumping and allowing her to nurse would trigger my breasts to produce more milk, but it just wasn’t the case with me.

More and more I found her less satisfied with drinking solely my milk.  More and more I found myself supplementing with more and more formula.

I tried eating oatmeal.  I tried drinking more water.  I tried leafy veggies that were on my list for increasing milk production.  I tried soups.

Nothing.  Nothing would increase my milk supply.  K was getting less and less satisfied.

Now, my milk is being used as the supplement and the formula is her main source of milk.  She’s a lot more satisfied.  She cries less.  She sleeps longer.

No matter how much I wanted to be her sole milk provider, I just don’t think my body was made for it.  I’m ok with that.  It happened with M when she was an infant.  I thought I could change it with K, but my physiology proved otherwise.

My nursing days are numbered.  I know it.  I know I’m going to miss it.

It was easy.  The night feedings were simple.  No one had to get up to make a bottle.

She is just starting to hug me as she nursed.  She was just starting to hold my breast like a huge bottle in her face.  The description might be crass, but believe me, it’s a cute thing to see.

I’m not giving up hope.  I’m going to continue to give her my milk, as little as it may seem to her.  Some milk from me is better than no milk from me.  I know I’m probably never going to produce enough for her to rely on completely again, but knowing that I can still give her something is good enough for me.

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Warning:  This post may be a little too “TMI” for boys and those that aren’t mommies at the moment.. but since this is blog about all my life experiences.. I figure that it’s ok to post.

I made the decision to stop nursing a few days ago.  For the past month, I had only been nursing her at night, and this past week, it just didn’t seem like it was enough for her anymore.  So, I had to make the executive decision to stop nursing her at 3months and 1week of age.

It’s bittersweet.  I’m glad that now I can go back to eating everything I loved to eat, and also diet the way I should to get back to my pre-prego weight.  But, I LOVED nursing.

I loved watching her nurse on me.  Nothing perverted.  I loved watching her nurse in a mother-child bonding way.  It was like our last sort of physical connection outside of her being in my womb.

But I’m not too worried.  I’m glad I cut my losses and stopped nursing her because she clearly wasn’t getting enough from me and I don’t want to think I’m starving her for the sake of wanting to nurse her for 6months.

I’m going to miss the ease of nursing, especially during the night feedings.  All I had to do was sit up and bam!  Feeding time!

But now that she bottle feeds at night, we get good 4-5 hour stretches of sleep.. ahh.. sleep.

So, goodbye nursing.  I hope Little M got all that she needed from me.

At what age did you stop nursing your little one?

Little M is about 2 and a half weeks old now..

Time really flies.. and I wish that time would move just a little slower because I don’t want her to grow up too fast..

I’m trying to savor every little moment of her “newborn-ness” and it seems to go by hour by hour.. day by day.

It’s too fast for my own good..

Anyway.. these two weeks of “motherhood” have been great.. it’s a feeling that I can not put into words.. and I’m sure that every other mother can say the same thing..

I love being a mother..

Little M and I have a great little system going on..

She sleeps, and does her dirty diaper thing.. and I’m her milk machine and diaper changer.. its 24/7 type of job.. every 3 hours the cycle continues.. over and over again.. every 3 hour span of sleep is a little piece of heaven..

Thank God for Hubby and my mommy.. helping me out and giving me some extra pieces of sleep where I’m not half-awake thinking about Little M..

I’ve also resorted into sleeping with my glasses on.. I don’t think I’ve taken them off since she was born!  It just makes it easier to wake up and deal with her in the middle of the night for her feedings/diaper changes.. it’s one less thing I have to stumble around for while dealing with a crying baby..

Two weeks into mommyhood.. I’d give anything for an extra hour of uninterrupted sleep.. and maybe someone else to have milky boobs for just at least one feeding.. but other than that.. I wouldn’t trade my life in for anything else!

My goodness, no one ever features the real glamors of parenthood on television.

You never see the healing process of a mother after childbirth..

You never see the discomforts of breastfeeding..

You see the growth of a woman’s busom, but you don’t see how unsexy they feel!

By no means am I complaining.. in fact, I’m loving every second of this new chapter of my life.

It’s just that they prepare and prepare and prepare you for childbirth, childcare and all of the stuff in between.  What they don’t prepare you for is the way it feels to heal after labor, or how it feels when your milk finally comes in..

I knew the healing wasn’t going to be fun, but I had no idea that finally producing milk is a relatively uncomfortable experience..

However, all these discomforts seem to disappear whenever I hold my daughter in my arms.. it’s just that simple..


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October 2019
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