Living life in the carpool lane..

This month..

Posted on: April 17, 2014

Well, we aren’t pregnant this month.  I really thought this could have been our chance.  I was two days late.  I thought there could be a chance.

That first day I missed my “monthly” I was pretty excited.  I was excited but I didn’t say anything about it.  I wanted to be optimistic, but I also wanted to remain realistic.  I wanted to take a test right there, but hubby talked me out of it.   Good thing, I would have wasted a pregnancy test.  Those things are expensive!

Early next day, I felt ‘signs.’  Without getting into too much detail, I just knew I wasn’t pregnant and it was only a matter of time before that final confirmation came.

The whole day was completely ruined.  I cried.  I cried all day in my cubicle at work.  I cried in my car on the way home from work.  I felt so discouraged.  My day was a total blur. 

When Hubby and M got home, it didn’t change my mood.  I was in such a fog of sadness and disappointment.  I tried to be ‘normal’ but I just couldn’t muster up any energy. 

That day went on without the arrival of the monthly visitor, so even though I knew it wasn’t going to happen, there was still a little ping of hope that I could be pregnant.  I had to keep bringing myself back to the reality that it wasn’t happening this month.  I fell asleep bawling into my husband’s arms.

I woke up the next morning much more accepting of our fate.  I was more resigned to the fact that we just had to try again.  I ended up getting my confirmation that day.  I was NOT pregnant.  I didn’t feel as bad as I did the day before.  Maybe I was all cried out.  Maybe I was just done.  Maybe I was numb.

Who knew this journey would be such a rollercoaster of emotions?  The past few months were disappointments, but it wasn’t devastating like it was this month.  I’m still sad, and the thought of trying again makes me feel so anxious, and not in a good way. 

I know I have to relax.  I know I have to let things be.  I know I have to trust that God will bless us when it is the right time.  I know all these things.  I’ve heard all these things. 

It doesn’t change how badly it’s made me feel.

I have to remember that although we are struggling to make this second child, we have a pretty awesome daughter already.   We’re already blessed. 

So, no.  We aren’t pregnant yet. 

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