Living life in the carpool lane..

Archive for August 3rd, 2012

Exactly one month from today, I will have a 1yr old.

I cannot believe how fast this year has gone.  It seems like only yesterday she was a little 5lb peanut coming home from the hospital.

Now she’s walking, getting into everything, and starting to mimic sounds and words she hears..

Where has the time gone?

I remember this time last year, I felt like I was in the final stretch.  I had come to terms with giving birth after being so scared about it throughout the entire pregnancy. 

I wanted her to come, but wanted her to stay inside just a bit longer. 

I didn’t feel like I was ready for her.. I was scared of her actually being here. 

It was because I knew her arrival would change my life forever.  I’d lose sleep.  I’d lose some freedom.  I felt like I was going to lose a lot once she arrived. 

I had always wanted children, but now that the dream was going to be a reality, it really frightened me. 

I never told anyone about this anxiety I felt because it made me feel bad.  Here I was, pregnant and almost ready to go, and I was terrified of the thought of being a mother. 

I think it was more the fear of the unknown.  I was around babies all the time, but they were never my own.. I never lost sleep from them, never had to deal with all the baby bodily fluids, never had to be the “mom.”

Now, here I was.. becoming a mom.. I was scared.  I didn’t know if I could really do it. 

Looking back now, I see that I over-thought the whole process.  I overwhelmed myself with the thoughts of trying to be perfect mother and raising her to be a perfect child.  I was afraid of damaging my little perfect baby with my amateur parenting skills.

It took her birth for me to take a step back and look at things one day at a time.  I’m the only mother she’s going to have.  She doesn’t know if I don’t know what I’m doing.  We’re both taking things one day at a time, and she’s going to love me as long as she knows I love her.

Now, one year later, I don’t claim to be a “mommy expert” by any means, but it feels like second nature to me.. like I was put on this earth to be this little girl’s mother.   I’m definitely not scared of motherhood, regardless of interupted sleep, a constantly active baby, and bodily fluids..

In fact, I feel like I never lost anything by becoming a mother.  Instead, I gained so much from it.


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August 2012